#8.

To realize one's destiny is a person's only obligation. 

G'morning. 

2:28AM

#7.

Girls vs. Women. 

I found this on another blog -- & pretty much this sums up why I am the way I am, simply put because I'm a woman. I got rid of all the "girls" in my life & only surround myself w. women who are just as confident & strong-minded as me. They accept me for who I am -- because they actually know me. Please don't read my blog & think you have a full knowledge of who I am. Many people have made that mistake & got 'surprised' when I continued to act myself. But I can ramble on about incidents like that -- but we're gonna keep it moving. Like I said, this poem sums it all up for me. I am a woman, strong & bold. You are a girl, young & naive. Period. 

Girls are insecure. Women are confident. 

Girls dress trashy. Women dress classy. 

Girls are students. Women are teachers. 

Girls are listeners. Women are preachers.

Girls make babies. Women raise babies. 

Girls have sex. Women make love. 

Girls are weak. Women are strong. 

Girls fight. Women walk away. 

Girls argue. Women speak.

Girls give in. Women compromise. 

Girls envy. Women appreciate.

Girls give up. Women strive.

Girls look. Women see.

Girls take. Women give.

Girls follow. Women influence. 

-- Christina E. Brown

Wow. So true.

12:16AM

#6.

My friends > yours. Period. 

Friday night was my last day in New York & I truly enjoyed it. I spent most of the day w. Los running errands around Brooklyn. That night, we met up w. the boys & headed to the hookah bar, which I have to say was an experience for all of us. We ended up all buying hookahs w. different flavors & I must say the alcoholic hookahs hit the spot. It gave us a little buzz -- nothing compared to the buzz from the good ol' mighty ganja -- which we ended up ending the night up in the ol' might Dungeon, if you don't know about the Dungeon -- well, then too bad. ;D Unfortunately, our other two amigos, Shaun & Danielle didn't get to attend this event -- but I was able to see them before I left. And besides, me & the girls are coming back to NY this weekend for the Labor Day Parade & all that jazz. 

Saturday, I woke up around 10AM and did some last minute packing before me & my aunt jammed all my stuff into one car & I drove us all the way to Storrs, CT. I finally got my single apartment that I've been feenin' for all summer -- finally a place of my own to get away from it all when I need to. I was going to take some pictures of it -- but I decided to wait until I finish decorating it, therefore everyone can see the finishing product. My aunt stayed & helped me unpack a lot of my stuff -- then we went grocery shopping & then she was out leaving me alone. I'm still getting used to this single apartment -- kind of a big adjustment for someone who is very extrovert like myself, but I'll eventually get the hang off it. Around 9PM that night, I met up w. all my girls, had some drinks & headed to the UCONN Block Party -- a place to reunite w. old friends, point out freshman & just get a good laugh. I must say I was a little bent, but still managed to have a good time -- which, is a good start especially in this boring state. I even included some pictures, my girl Brittany took before we headed off to the Block Party:

 I'm really excited about this upcoming year. My art classes are absolutely wonderful, my friends are absolutely the best, my apartment is my own place of solitude & peace. Ahh, this is going to be great. Don't worry -- I shall keep you all posted.

Ah, welcome to the good life.

10:48PM

#5.

There is no place like home, ever.

I took this Tuesday, while at South Street Seaport w. my grandpa from my Blackberry. Sigh. :) 

I now have a few more hours remaining in New York before I'm back off to Storrs, CT to complete my junior year. The second question I'm going to be hearing for the next 2 weeks or so is "So, how was your summer?" -- you know, right after, "How have you been?" Anyways, I'm sitting here thinking up the one word that could describe my whole summer vacation -- after much debate I would have to say: an experience

After reading 'The Alchemist' -- which has gotten a lot of you cool guys reading it & telling me how it's changed your lives, so.. after reading 'The Alchemist' I realized that I've faced so many obstacles this summer that have tried to hinder me from finding my 'personal legend'. Of course, there was the incident w. Los that inspired to me give this blog another -- make it some kind of outlet that my friends can read, so it's like I'm telling the story at one time, instead of multiples, along w. several other low moments that are pointless to even bring up, since they are .. in fact, the past. But despite it all, I progressed -- No stress. Love. Live life. Proceed. Progress. -- progress in time to show my experiences, all in which I have learned & grown from. And what a better time to show my progression then at the beginning of a new school year? Jackpot. I have gone through a great change, since I want to say the beginning of August -- when I wrote that I died, I feel I really did. A large part of me died when I began writing this post -- yes, exactly 4 post ago. I felt like the world had turned its back on me, God has lost all hope in me -- so, I died one time. But like they say, God works in mysterious ways. I died, only to wake up a stronger person -- a much stronger person than I feel I've ever been & its only beginning. Not to mention the turning 20 & leaving all that teenage shit behind helped tremendously too. I  also feel like, w. the strong help of Los -- I've become less angry. I learned to 'brush shit off & keep it moving'. Most the things I used to get tight over where pointless, held no weight in my life -- so, no point. And I took that advice and kept it moving. I mean, I can sit here & continue w. a list of changes I made, but I don't feel like going in. 

Nonetheless, in a couple of hours I will awake, get my fill in & eyebrows threaded, do some more shopping  and some light packing & then spend the remainder of the night w. Los and some of our closest friends. One last reunion, the midnight society strikes one last time.. well, at least w. me. My bestest left today, so she won't be able to be there w. us -- but she is there in spirit, or at least I'm going to say she is. But, while everyone is complaining about their lack of friends and not knowing who their real friends are, I have to say that I am truly blessed. I have amazing friends, in both New York and in Connecticut -- how lucky am I?. I just want to take the time to say, my friends are better than your friends.. hands down -- unless of course, your friends are my friends. I am sad to leave the 'crew' -- but I do miss my girls, the 'Sex & the Suburbs' girls. The trio-squared. 

Ah, I'm going to miss New York -- but my mind is ready for Connecticut. It's grinding time -- gotta go get another 3.9 and continue reaching my dreams .. all of them -- fashion, art, law, music, etc. You'll see.

Change is good.

2:20AM

#4.

There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure. 

Things have gotten so much better within the pass few days -- despite the few obstacles we (we meaning Los & me -- you know the 'packaged deal'.) had to endure. For one, like I mentioned in the past post .. we got rid of negative people in our live that wasn't doing absolutely anything for us but causing unnecessary drama. And as far as the other obstacles that I thought were gonna last forever -- are coming to an end, very soon. I can once again say, I'm happy & after today .. I KNOW everything is going to be okay at the end of the day. In fact, I'll be happy once this year ends -- because 2009 is looking SO good. 

Moving on.. . 

Sunday, Los and I met up in Chinatown to shoot Vlad (formerly known as 'Haitian V') at Keith Major's studio w. Slinky. The shoot lasted for about an hour and everything ran just as smooth as possible. My shoot on the Brooklyn Bridge with a client ended up flopping, leaving Los & I to have hours to explore the city. We left Chinatown & headed to Little Italy -- a place neither Los or I have ever been. 

We ended up finding a nice italian restaurant by the name of Novella, which blew Olive Garden out the water. I now understand why the Italians despise that commercial restaurant. It was no where as good as the food we had at this restaurant -- it was evident that all the food they served was made w. nothing but love. I highly recommend Novella to those of you looking for a nice chic, cheap & romantic spot -- because even at 130pm .. the mood was definitely set.

We were then off towards nowhere in particular, strolling along roads unknown where we ended up in the middle of this little quiet park on Worth Street -- where we sat & discussed our future, our past and our present. Decided that Barnes & Nobles was a good look since I needed to by 'The Alchemist' -- a book Los started reading, in which he was referred to by a good friend. I'll discuss that in future detail a little later. I attempted to use my GPS on my Blackberry, that had us walking all around the merry go around, never finding this Barnes & Nobles just yet -- but instead, we found our future. Our future was located all the way at the end of Chambers, in a hidden area known as 'River Terrace'. Its a small area w. nice Manhattan condos w. a nice park & a beautiful view of the city w. the river in front of it. Our dream, because we WILL be in that condo within the next 2 years. The only thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure. I know we're not going to fail -- we're gonna make it. Asap. 

We eventually found Barnes & Noble, in which I bought two books: 'The Alchemist' & 'Catch 22'. I decided I needed to start reading more -- to escape all the bullshit that occurs in my life, instead of attempting to use AIM as an outlet. It's working. I completed the book in a day or so & I have to say 'The Alchemist' has completely changed my life. Yes, a book has completely changed my life. I don't want to give anything away because everyone should read it -- but pretty much, it made me realize that I need to continue striving after my 'personal legend'. 'Personal legend' being something you've always wanted to achieve as a child, but as you got older reality and obstacles deterred you further away from reaching that goal. I have let several obstacles hold me back from getting to where I need to be & all that stopped this weekend. I have let go of all the negativity & doubt in my life & now it's time to move on. Time to keep my head up, hold his hand & walk closer towards my dream, ready to face more obstacles that are going to happen -- because of course getting to your dream is never easy... but I'm ready. We're ready.

Failure.. gone. Doubt.. gone. 

W. God on our side -- all things are possible. Even the impossible. 

11:07PM

#3.

Forget the past and you will learn again in the future. 

'Tis true, once again.  

Change. I'm all for change now.

Today was the day I had been waiting for since Sunday. Today was the day of a second chance, a new beginning, a fresh start -- from the ground up, of course. And within I'll say an hour into the supposedly 9AM court case, it was granted. Now when I say 'granted' -- I don't mean this was the last time I'll be sitting in the court audience w. our closest friends while my boyfriend awaits a verdict from the judge, but today marked a bit of closure for me. Closure in the sense that I know at the end of the day, at the end of this all .. everything is going to be alright. Alright for both Los & Justin. It's just gonna take a few more court dates -- but nothing nerve-racking, mind-bottling or anything of that extreme nature. It's just a slow steady process that's going to take time to 'mend'. 

I can live again. 

I can now stop losing sleep, stop crying, stop worrying, stop losing an appetite & just start focusing on my future.. our future. After a great night of reminiscing w. the bestest of our childhood growing up, it made me realize I was blessed to be this far at where I am now. We grew up around the same folks that are still around now that have done absolutely nothing for themselves for years, we watched the downfalls of so many people that could have had potential if they had only believed in themselves, and worse of all we're currently watching the next generation of people growing up too fast around us -- 17 year old girls w. babies, no more than a 10th grade education w. a hood mentality going absolutely nowhere in their lives. I can truly say, we're fortunate. So this realization helped bring me to this conclusion about myself & how I want to conduct myself now and for the rest of my life. It's simple -- I shall no longer associate myself w. people that aren't doing anything for me. I refuse to be around people w. no goal, no drive, no ambition to do anything. Period. This whole revelation made me realize another thing about myself and my emotions. Simply put, I let people that hold no weight in my life get me upset, angry, irate, etc, etc. I feel 'extreme' emotions are sacred & shouldn't just be dished out to just anyone, except those I truly care about. Why bother getting upset over someone that doesn't even matter? It's pointless & last night, I was upset over myself because I constantly do this. I let people get me upset and angry, when honestly, at the end of the day I shouldn't get a flying shit -- and I'm glad I've realized this now.

As for change, well I feel like I've just begun. I feel I have all the right ingredients to help me get there: a wonderful boyfriend + a great support system of friends, as well as an array of other positive things I can go on listing in my life -- but I'm fortunate, and I'm grateful. Now that this small low point is slowly digressing out of our lives -- I can move on. I can grow. We can move on. We will grow. 

Rebuilding starts now. 

5:26PM

#2.

You have to start at the bottom to get to the top.

First & foremost, happy 20th birthday to me. 

Not nearly excited as I feel I should be -- but hopefully that will change soon enough. 

About a week ago, the "high low life" had a completely different meaning than it does for me today. In fact, about a week ago -- everything was completely different. I was living this life that I glorified corruption in every way possible. I had gotten caught up w. what I thought was going to bring me this permanent happiness, which turned out to bring me the complete opposite. When I used to tell people about this whole "high low life" scheme I was coming up w. I never seemed to have a solid answer to what exactly it meant. It once upon a time could have meant it was for the 'potheads' that stayed high, but because of their marijuana use they were considered to be the 'low lives' of society. And for a time, I thought that was acceptable -- acceptable because not only I did it, but my friends did it too, so who out there could possibly judge us? If anything, I considered us to be those "cool kids", parents warned their children about. Then I realized, I didn't want to be that blunt about it -- ha, no pun intended -- because I did want this to be this big movement that everyone would catch onto with absolutely no purposed behind it whatsoever. Not a good idea. I felt I needed to attract those that didn't smoke, that were just 'normal' people. So, I moved onto the the "high low life" representing a society of people that are considered 'nobodys' in life being able to live this 'high' extravagant lifestyle that celebrities do. Eh.

But still, something was missing.

For a while, I was just stuck w. this title w. absolutely no meaning behind it, trying to give it some type of meaning just so I could use it for popularity over the internet. Clearly, I watched too many VH1 internet celeb shows. It wasn't until the weekend that just passed that everything became clear to me. So, what does it mean to really live the "high low life"? Well its simple, you have to start from the bottom (low) to reach the top (high). 

As I explained it to Los around 3AM this morning, you can't build anything until you have a solid foundation -- something a week ago we lacked for months on end. I went as far as comparing it to the story of the three little pigs. A week ago, we made a house of straw -- not thinking about the future, only building for today, definitely something that wasn't guaranteed to last us at all -- something a lot of people do; a search for this temporary high that makes no difference in the long run. But after all, we all know what happen to the pig w. the straw house. His shit was the first to go ASAP. But, instead of running to the next pigs house & freeloading off of his temporary shelter, that isn't that much stronger -- we are staying where we are. Running gets you no where, at the end of the day, we're the ones that made this mess, so we have to clean it up -- you know, the responsible thing to do. But unlike those three little pigs, we have friends. Friends that were willing to give up their last to help us rebuild a foundation from scrap, which at the end of the day is going to be stronger than ever. But first thing first, we have to pick up our mess -- pick up all the straw before we can move forward & lay the bricks down. 

The "high low life" is a representation of struggle -- struggle that everyone goes through, whether they want to admit it or not. Life is full of highs and lows. But the constant mistake that people tend to do, is aim for the highest of high without setting a solid foundation. You have to start from the lowest of low to get to the highest of high. Clearly, last weekend marked our lowest of low period & from here, I believe we can only continue to move in one direction. Up. This is our second first chance.. 

So, I guess this was the introduction I was once looking for. 

1:44PM.

#1: lowest of low.

They say you never really know what you got 'til its gone.

'Tis true.

This wasn't the post I had in mind when I deleted all the old fashion bullshit I recently posted, thinking that's who I really was. This isn't the post I had in mind that would be the start to 'revamping' my blog, so I could million of readers to sit here & actually care what I had to say. In fact, what has occurred in my life within the past 72 hours, wasn't anything I could expect either. 

For the last 72 hours, starting around approximately Friday evening, I was faced w. having the one person I loved the most, aside from the family I reside with, taken away from me. For the last 72 hours, the fate of my boyfriend's life was given to someone who had absolutely no idea who my boyfriend really was except for what his charges read him as. For the last 72 hours, I spent thinking where the fate of my future would lie, if the one person that I was guaranteed would be there -- just left, just got locked away for 15 years or so. As cliche as it sounds, 'w. a blink of an eye, my whole life changed.' 

I died, not literally. But more than figuratively. 

For the last 72 hours, every bit of happiness had be sucked out of me. It was like my soul decided it couldn't take what I was facing & just bounced, leaving nothing but a cold exterior body. I no longer had passion, I no longer felt joy, happiness was a vague memory of what I used to be. For the last 72 hours, I cried for probably about 63 hours. For the last 72 hours, I couldn't think anything bout negative thoughts, worse case scenarios & all the different alternatives of what 'could' happen from other people. I literally became a crying mess, consuming most of my day w. a tissue at hand. For the last 72 hours, I had become closer w. three people that I cannot even look at as my friends again, but merely my extended family. 

I spent most of my 72 hours w. Shaun, Danielle & Mateo, sitting there trying to console me, and convince me that everything would be okay in the end. We became experts of the system by early Saturday morning, all thanks to google, and just all the information we read, or found out -- wasn't making anything better. Nothing was worse, than waking up Saturday morning, knowing that my boyfriend was still in this place that he didn't belong, along w. our good friend Justin. And sitting in court on Saturday night, listening and watching all these people and their cases just justified it. The people that stood w. their hands behind their back in front of a fat white judge getting their wack ass charges read out loud were the true criminals. Not Justin, and not my boyfriend. 

Then it was their turn.

They went up together, got their charges read together. And the bullshit public defense attorneys -- white men, who knew NOTHING about these two men, except for what the system was trying to lock them up for, had to plea on their behalf as if they cared about what would happen to them in the future. Clearly, they didn't. Clearly, their job is to act like they care while they are talking to you behind bars, but as soon as they get in front of the judge, it's just a different story. Nonetheless, Justin was released. "You OUT, you IN," is all I remember hearing the annoying as police man scream as he pointed Justin out, and pushing Carlos back down into the cold basement where he would be sent of to Rikers later that night.

I died two times.

Just when I thought I couldn't feel any worse, just when I thought I had reached every wack feeling I could possibly feel -- it got worse. Even worse, when I found out that we had an hour to pay bail & it was already 1:30AM. 5 hours of sitting in court, just to see the back of my boyfriend for less than 5 minutes before he went back to where he came from. 

Sunday night, he was out. I felt a weight lift from my shoulder, but there is still so much that needs to be taken care of before we can return to our regularly scheduled life. And as much as I'd like to say everything is better, it's not completely there just yet. My 20th birthday is less than a few hours away, and something I was once to excited about has just become a hassle. A hassle because its a mere distraction from his second court date which is on Thursday. A hassle because, I no longer want to grow up. I rather digress back to childhood where I don't have to worry about any of this nightmare happening. But I can't. We're just going to have to face it together.  Slowly but surely, its gonna get better. 

I guess parts of you have to die to make you that better person. 

And for the next couple of months, excuse me -- if I'm not my old self. 

For the last 72 hours, I realized I lost myself many months before this incidence had occurred, and I have to fight to get the old El back -- because this person living inside of me, this person that is just as responsible for this whole situation .. this isn't me. I'm better than that. We're better than that. We became to much of the world, and not what God had planned for us to be. 

I'm still dead.

2:02PM.